Today, has been a rough day. Feeling left out, lied to, just disposable by friends, whether they meant to or not. It's got me into a dark place. But not wanting to do any photography today. Today is what I call a write-off. But I thought I'd write, clear my head, try and maybe convince myself to do some photography today. But I cannot even explain how this is a long-shot. An impossible shot.
Some lessons I've learnt, in a, to be totally honest, torturous life. One which I do not know why empathy or kindness are still a part of even my vocabulary. I have written parts of a blogpost 3 times over, and this one, although doesn't contain its contents, does hold some of the parts of this other post I have tried to post many times before but changed my mind.
Somehow, with photography and even prior, I have tried to find some form of beauty through pain. To take painful times, painful memories, and turn it into something, to be proud of. Even when you've lost all way, I have found a little shimmer of hope is trying to show a similar shimmer to others. Suffering many unseen ailments throughout my life, unseen even to myself (even if that has been by choice through most of it). I have somehow always held onto kindness. I have been thinking of Robin Williams recently, have a photo to go with this post, but I will not post it because, it is too dark for Instagram or Facebook. A photo taken a few weeks ago. What reminded me, was the kindness and happiness shown by Williams, has always resonated with me. How the kindest souls are the most tortured. For me personally, I think, it's because, they try and show beauty and happiness to others and hope in turn to convince themselves of the same thing. It sometimes works, sometimes doesn't. But it's the game of life, to just try again to make. To show.
This is a massive part of my reasons for photography, I have many photos I don't post, but I don't think I would go if it wasn't for a reason to post them. Not because I don't enjoy photography. I really do if no one else has noticed. But I need a reason more than my own enjoyment otherwise I would go on walks without the need to capture the images. I find it worth it to take a photograph, to show.
I've been thinking about this photo a lot recently, wondering if I should post it, when, and how, for weeks and weeks I have been looking how to add those sensitive content blur to my posts on Instagram, but haven't been able to find out how. (If anyone knows please do message me, I shall probably continue to look for how to do this)
I have been thinking of these triggering photos, and I have come to a personal realisation. I shall provide trigger warnings. But I will not put off posting them. It has been my opinion for a long time, that avoiding this topics far more contributes to the problems than they do themselves. It continues social problems in all areas and isolates people from any form of expression or aid. So, in my aim to capture, I will post these photos when I feel able to, but, I won't avoid topics that are important to address. Even if this may alienate me from friends and other people then so be it. I'm used to it anyway.
I have no idea being totally honest, how finding beauty through pain is still an aim of mine. Looking back on what has happened over the many years, I would have given up.
My favourite characters on TV, Rick from Rick and Morty, My friends I went to a themed quiz on were surprised to the extent I had memorised the show, It's simple to me, people have told me Rick and Morty is not realistic (I obviously agree) but for me, the pain felt by the main character, Rick, has been the most real portrayal of life, that I have ever seen, most similar to my own experience, so I fell in love with the character and the show from the very first episode. It is always the TV show I hold to most esteem, for showing me what I have just lived without knowing how to explain.
My other favourite character, Negan, (see my FB profile picture with a baseball bat) is a character I am truthfully jealous of, he represents my polar opposite, a lack of empathy, someone who will do whatever he wants no matter its impact. See the first episode he stars in on YouTube, it's my personal favourite episode and is one that divided the fanbase totally. I had a chat with a friend recently, and it's inspired a photo I don't know how to capture. About our choice to vote on the side of empathy, even if it brings far more pain than aid, it's because it is who we are, who I chose to be a long time ago when I lost it, and became someone none of you would recognise, someone who I to this day don't recognise, someone who lacked any empathy by choice. I miss that time many times, thinking it'd be easier to always put yourself first, to walk over whoever you need to for whatever you want. But, I hated who I became thinking like this. It went against who I am.
I'm writing this while watching The Walking Dead, this, is a show I would say embodies this, a beautiful show showing horror and sadness, an apocalypse, sounds surprisingly like life. This all leads back to photography, a mere attempt, a mere attempt, to try and capture beauty through pain. My best friend who I've fallen out with said to me, and I remember it, the best artists (not that I am, but I'm trying I guess) are the most tortured, it's because you see and try to capture, find a reason to try and capture. You try despite everything to show beauty, empathy, understanding even if you can't see any yourself. You try anyway, even if it may be in vain. you try anyway.
Photography has definitely changed my life, given me a voice in places I had none before. I am unfortunately very limited in what I want to do for a number of reasons, but I try anyway